Author : William Stewart
reprinted from “…And They Shall Become One Flesh” available on Amazon.com in Kindle format.
A man’s stomach shall be satisfied from the fruit of his mouth, from the produce of his lips he shall be filled. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD. (Proverbs 18:20-21)
Thoughts On Communication
Communication is the root of all relationships; whether it is between friends, business associates, or spouses. If there is no communication, there is no relationship.
However, it is important to realize that the nature of our communication will determine the nature of the relationship. Poor interaction will result in an unhappy marriage. Effective speech will open doors for us to enhance our relationship and enable us to grow together as a couple. Note some communication blunders we need to be careful not to slip into:
- Assumption (a.k.a. conversational guesswork)
- Sarcasm (makes another feel foolish)
- Intimidation (threats, sulking, etc.)
- Generalization (“…you always do…”)
- Facial expression (uninterested, annoyed, etc.)
- Lack of clarity (say what you mean)
Our speech tendencies are directly linked to our personality. For instance, one who is shy may tend towards silence. One who is outgoing may be prone to be boisterous. One who is arrogant is likely to speak down to those who are around him. Thus, in considering effective speech in our marriages, we must first look at our character – who we are – and make any appropriate changes, not for our spouse, per se, but for ourselves and for the good of every relationship, including our relationship to God.
Those who are quiet must learn to participate in intimate communication to build stronger relationships. We must be willing to share our thoughts and feelings. At the opposite extreme are those who are so open, they say everything that is on their mind. This can be as harmful as the one who doesn’t converse enough. For it to be a conversation, BOTH PARTIES are to participate. This cannot occur if one will not talk, or if the other will not stop talking.
For any conversation to be productive, there are some keys to keep in mind:
- Listen. It is impossible to converse if we will not listen. When our spouse is speaking, we should be hearing, not thinking about what we’re going to say next. It is important that we are interested in what one another has to say.
- Be constructive. Someone once said, “if you ain’t got nothing nice to say, then don’t say nothing at all.” That doesn’t necessitate that every conversation be sunshine and lollipops; there are serious issues and concerns that need to be addressed in our relationships, but we need to be careful how we speak, having the right attitude and one another’s best interest in mind.
- Have fun, but don’t make fun. A good sense of humour is important; some have it, some don’t. There is nothing wrong with playful speech, but make sure that it is jovial for both participants. Speech that results in a laugh at another’s expense is not profitable.
- Be clear. Ambiguity is an enemy of effective communication. As one has said, “say what you mean, and mean what you say.” We need to approach conversations with honesty and openness.
Advice From The Proverbs
Solomon had much to say in his writing about communication. Let us consider just a bit of his wisdom, and make application of it in our conversations, and especially with regard to our spouse, so that we might build our relationships.
Let our speech be helpful:
There is one who speaks like the piercing of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health. (Proverbs 12:18)
A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pour forth foolishness. (Proverbs 15:2)
Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones. (Proverbs 16:24)
Think before we speak: In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)
He who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction. (Proverbs 13:3)
A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word spoken in due season, how good it is! …The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil. (Proverbs 15:23, 28)
He who answers a matter before he hearts it, it is folly and shame to him. (Proverbs 18:13)
Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from trouble. (Proverbs 21:23)
Do you see a man hasty in his words; there is more hope for a fool than for him. (Proverbs 29:20)
Our speech reveals our character: The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; the wellspring of wisdom is a flowing brook. (Proverbs 18:4)
Let another man praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips. (Proverbs 27:2)
She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. (Proverbs 31:26)
