Author : William Stewart
reprinted from “…And They Shall Become One Flesh” available on Amazon.com in Kindle format.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24-25)
Understanding Intimacy
While studying the relationship of Adam and Eve in chapter one of the character studies section, we discussed briefly the need for intimacy in marriage, and the idea circumstance which they found themselves in to maintain perfect intimacy. Their complete compatibility is without question, for prior to making Eve, God determined, “…I will make him a helper comparable to him” (Genesis 2:18).
We are further assured of the unity which they were made to enjoy, as Adam declared of Eve, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man” (Genesis 2:23).
Adam and Eve were as “one flesh” as would be possible for any couple.
Today, we are not in the exact circumstance of this couple.. Today’s wives were not made from a rib taken from their husbands. However, God’s declaration in Genesis 2:24 stands as God’s law regarding marriage and intimacy in marriage.
Consider Merriam Webster’s definition of “intimate”:
1 a : INTRINSIC, ESSENTIAL; b : belonging to or characterizing one’s deepest character
2 : marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity (intimate knowledge of the law)
3 a : marked by a warm friendship developing through long association; b : suggesting informal warmth or privacy (intimate clubs)
4 : of a very personal or private nature
(Merriam Webster’s Deluxe Dictionary, Tenth Collegiate Edition, p. 966)
In our first chapter, we had identified five general areas in life in which intimacy must be developed between husband and wife. They are: social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical. Let us consider each of these in light of the Scriptures.
A Socializing Couple
Socialization is important to establish and maintain good marriages. There are two levels of social interaction which ought to be considered; first between husband and wife, and then second, between the couple and others.
The LORD rebuked the men of Judah for having dealt with their wives “treacherously” (Malachi 2:14-16). The eventual end of the mistreatment of their wives would be divorce, but problems arose long before a divorce came into view. Where did the problems begin? Not sharing with one another, acting covertly, using deceit, etc. (all part of Strong’s definition of the Hebrew word bagad – treacherously). A breakdown of the social fabric of the relationship took place. A successful marriage requires openness, togetherness, and mutual admiration.
Spousal interaction in public settings is just as important as in private. In the midst of discussing the virtuous woman, the statement is made:
“Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.” (Proverbs 31:22)
The inference is that her reputation has affected him for good (cf. Proverbs 12:4; Ruth 3:11). She is not a social shadow; her husband understands the great value she is (Proverbs 31:10, 28; 18:22).
Emotional Equilibrium
Though women are commonly portrayed as the “emotional” gender, emotion is common to all. Perhaps it can rightly be said that women tend to express emotion more, or perhaps better stated, differently than men do.
Emotion is an essential component in any relationship; the appropriate attention to emotion is crucial for the success of a marriage. At the very base of the marital relationship is love. Eve was told “…your desire shall be for your husband…” (Genesis 3:16).
Men are commanded to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25, 28-29, 33; Colossians 3:19). Building upon a mutual love for one another provides the appropriate setting in which other emotions are shared.
As inferred above, men often hold their emotions. Why? I suspect two reasons:
- God designed man to be more rational than emotional (Genesis 3:1, 6; 1 Timothy 2:14)
- Society characterizes emotion in men as weakness.
The marriage relationship affords man an opportunity to share his emotions. A man both cheats himself and his wife, if he will not share his inner most feelings with her.
The reverse of this (ie. the man being attentive to his wife’s emotions) is actually commanded in Scripture. Paul stated that the married man is concerned with “…how he may please his wife…” (1 Corinthians 7:33). This demands attention to her feelings and inner thoughts. In fact, Peter revealed that tending to his wife’s emotional needs is required, lest we be guilty before God (1 Peter 3:7; cf. Isaiah 59:1-2).
Spiritual Similitude
At our very essence, we are spiritual beings. The Scriptures describe our bodies as simply a tent, an earthly house, that eventually will be put off (2 Corinthians 5:1-4; 2 Peter 1:13-14). It is therefore important for couples to have a focus, not just for this life, but for eternity.
The threefold cord of Ecclesiastes 4:12 has been mentioned in previous chapters. We need to have God at the core of our marriages. Too often, folks are joined “before God and these witnesses”, and yet fail to have any room for God in their relationship. When Lemuel’s mother gave him instruction about finding a virtuous wife, she pointed out,
“Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30)
Though all are spiritually accountable as individuals, it is understood that we share a responsibility for one another in the faith (Galatians 6:1-2). If we are to help our brethren spiritual, then how much more are we bound to help our spouse, with whom we are “one flesh”? Husbands are to imitate Christ, who endeavoured to “sanctify and cleanse” His bride, the church, so that “…she should be holy and without blemish…” (Ephesians 5:25-26). Men are expected to nourish and cherish their wives, “…just as the Lord does the church…” (Ephesians 5:29). This demands that men take spiritual leadership in the marriage, and lead their family in spiritual service before God.
Notice though, the important role the wife has in the spiritually successful marriage. A good wife is essential if a man is to become either an elder or deacon in the Lord’s church (1 Timothy 3:1-12; Titus 1:6-9). Not only does Paul give qualifications for these men, but states, “Likewise their wives must be reverent, not slanderers, temperate, faithful in all things” (1 Timothy 3:11). Her spiritual focus is considered to be as important as his.
Intellectual Companion
In the marriage relationship, the husband is charged with authority – with leadership (Genesis 3:16; Ephesians 5:23), but it should be understood that the husband and wife, though in distinct roles, are intellectual equals. By this, I do not mean that they are equally educated, or mirror images of one another so far as their skill set. Simply, he is not superior to her; she is not inferior to him; and the conduct of both toward the other shoudl reflect this.
Sadly, some men speak to or about their wives as though she were a child. In 1 Corinthians 11:3, we read:
“But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”
Can you imagine the Father speaking to or about the Son in a belittling fashion? Do we ever see Jesus speaking to or about His followers disparagingly? Neither should a man speak to or about his wife so as to minimize or diminish her. She is “the glory of man” (1 Corinthians 11:7). Woman was provided for man as “an helper – as his counterpart” (Genesis 2:20, YLT). She was given as “a helper comparable to him” (NKJV); not as a servant or as a child, but as his wife.
Likewise, women need to speak with and about their husbands with respect, giving honour to them (Ephesians 5:33). It was in such a manner that Sarah acted toward Abraham (1 Peter 3:6), and that the virtuous wife is characterized (Proverbs 31:11-12, 23, 28). Mutual respect is indispensable in a successful marriage, and certainly so with regard to our conversation.
Physical Partnership
When the word “intimacy” is heard, most people tend to think about the physical aspect of a marriage. Certainly, there is a level of intimacy, physical in nature, which God has reserved for spouses to experience. However, it must be understood that for physical intimacy in a marriage to be as fulfilling as God intends it to be, diligent attention must be given to the items already discussed. Physical intimacy does not produce a good marriage; a good marriage produces physical intimacy.
The last thing mentioned about Adam and Eve, prior to the episode with the serpent, is that “…they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). Certainly this speaks of their innocence, still being without sin; but does it also say something about the comfort which a married couple ought to have with one another physically?
The Scriptures speak quite plainly when it comes to physical intimacy in marriage. Solomon told his son,
“Drink water from your own cistern … Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love” (Proverbs 5:15, 18-19)
The Song of Solomon is quite descriptive about the physical intimacy between the Shulamite woman and the beloved (Song of Solomon 5:10-16; 7:1-6). We see in them the same comfort which Genesis 2:25 describes in Adam and Eve – the physical intimacy which God intends to be fulfilled in the marriage relationship.
Paul commands that husband and wife not deprive one another, lest Satan gain an advantage in the marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1-4). When husband and wife do not render the affection due, a door is opened for temptation and sin.
