Introduction
In one congregation where I preached, there was a young man who had a wife and children, yet he was too lazy to look for work. He allowed his wife to support the family, while he enjoyed the life of leisure. Looking back, I think the church should have withdrawn from him if we could not get him to repent.
Yet, many fathers who work hard and provide all the material necessities and even many luxuries for their children are cheating them in ways even worse. What are the responsibilities fathers have toward their children?
The apostle Paul by inspiration of the Holy Spirit and with the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ commanded, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). This passage summarizes the spiritual obligations fathers have to their children.
First, please note carefully that the apostolic command is addressed to “fathers.” The primary obligation for the spiritual training of children is given to the father as the head of his home. As in all areas of home life, wives are to be helpers to their husbands in raising their children to serve the Lord (Genesis 2:18). But dads, you can’t ignore your children, leave their discipline to your wife, and fulfill your obligation as a father.
Do Not Provoke Your Children to Wrath
Negatively, we must not “provoke” them “to wrath.” The whole phrase translated “provoke … to wrath” means “to cause to be provoked, to make angry” (Louw & Nida. 88.177). The NIV translates this “do not exasperate your children.”
Fathers often seem to have a talent for exasperating their children or unjustifiably making them angry. Cruel teasing is a common fault among men (and some women). When Isaac was weaned, his elder half-brother Ishmael was “scoffing” at (“mocking,” NASB) him (Genesis 21:9). Referring to this incident, Paul observes that Ishmael “persecuted” Isaac (Galatians 4:29). Cruel mocking is a form of persecution. When daddies “pick at” their children in such a way as to anger or exasperate them, they are guilty of persecuting their own children. They are being bullies, and they are teaching their children to be bullies toward those who are smaller and weaker than they.
Another way dads may provoke their children to wrath is by cutting or discouraging speech. Men, how would you like it, if, when you preached a practice sermon in a men’s class, the teacher called you “stupid” and said, “You’ll never make a preacher.” You would be justifiably hurt, angry, and discouraged. If your children fail to meet legitimate expectations, don’t lie to them by praising what they did. But don’t verbally attack them either. If they didn’t seem to put out enough effort, tell them so. Show them what they did wrong and how to improve or correct. If they’re trying but just haven’t mastered your proper demands, praise their effort and encourage their improvement. But don’t verbally attack them personally. Learn to use speech that encourages them to do better rather than cutting words that discourage and exasperate them.
“A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold In settings of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).
Fathers can exasperate their children by being unfair or overly demanding. When our oldest son was about three years old, I took him with me to a preaching engagement, while my wife remained home with the younger children. My son was well behaved in the worship assembly at home, and I foolishly expected he could sit by himself, far from home and his mother, and listen to me preach. When he started crying after I had left him to get up and preach, I discovered what I should have known all along. I was expecting him to be far more mature than a three year old is capable of being. “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). When daddies set expectations for children unreasonably high, children become discouraged and quit trying.
Don’t take this as an excuse to go to the opposite extreme. Children at a very young age are able to understand and obey commands. My pet dog understood “No,” and your six month old is smarter than my dog. A Border Collie can learn a wide range of simple commands, and a two year old, being much smarter than the Collie, can learn simple Bible truths and acceptable behavior. You don’t have to have a “terrible two” year old. When a child is capable of behaving in the way he will eventually need to, we should expect him to do so, even if he doesn’t fully understand why. Eli taught the child Samuel the greatest principle of obedience, “Speak, Lord, for Your servant hears” (1 Samuel 3:1-10), even though Samuel did not understand what was happening. If you continue to treat children as if they’re still babies, they’ll continue to behave like babies. It’s cute at six months, but it’s deplorable at six years.
Perhaps the worst way a father can provoke his children to wrath is by showing favoritism to one over others. (And that goes for grandfathers!) “Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age. Also he made him a tunic of many colors” (Genesis 37:3). Joseph’s brothers resented this favoritism so much “they hated him and could not speak peaceably to him” (verse 4). All but Reuben were even willing to kill him, and they did eventually sell him as a slave to the Midianites (verses 18-28). They used the coat, the emblem of Joseph’s special status, as the means to deceive their father into thinking Joseph had been killed by a wild beast (verses 31-33). Jacob paid for his favoritism with eighteen years of bitter sorrow over the supposed death of his beloved son (verses 34-35). A father of three children once told me, “You can’t help loving some children more than others.” I deny it. Yes, children have different personalities and abilities and thus to some extent must be treated differently. But we must love them all equally. To do otherwise is to create discord in the family and to lay the groundwork for bitter sorrow.
Training
Once a young father refused to continue studying the Bible with me because I showed him a passage that teaches we must put the Lord ahead of our families (Matthew 10:34-37). He claimed he would never put anything ahead of his family. Of course, by refusing to follow the Lord, he was refusing to give his family proper spiritual guidance, and thus failing miserably in his most important obligation to his loved ones.
The Lord commands fathers to bring up their children “in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Some people object to using the term “training” to describe the efforts parents make to guide their children. They contend we train animals, not children. The inspired apostle Paul was unaware of this. He admonished fathers to “bring up” their children “in the training … of the Lord.”
“Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
Are you familiar with the word “pedagogue”? It’s an English word, but it’s derived from Greek. The term means “a teacher of children or youth” (Webster. 1663) The Greek word it comes from is the name of one who provides the “training” of which Paul speaks in Ephesians 6:4. Fathers are the pedagogues of their children. They are the teachers of their children. The training they are primarily charged with is “of the Lord.”
The word “training” denotes:
the whole training and education of children [which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals, and employs for this purpose now commands and admonitions, now reproof and punishment (Thayer. 473).
According to Trench, the Greek word simply meant “education” (111) but is used in the New Testament to mean “discipline” (112), with the emphasis on “correction” (Ibid). Vine observes that the term “stresses training by act” (1:30). The word here translated “training” in the New King James Version is also translated “chastening” (Hebrews 12:5,7,11), “chastisement” (Hebrews 12:8), and “instruction” (2 Timothy 3:16). The verb (action) form of the word is rendered “chasten” (Revelation 3:19; Hebrews 12:6,7,10; 1 Corinthians 11:32; 2 Corinthians 6:9), “chastise” (Luke 23:16,22), “correcting” (2 Timothy 2:25), “taught” (Acts 22:3), and “teaching” (Titus 2:12). Since the word “admonition” in Ephesians 6:4 pertains to “the training by word” (Vine. 1:30), “training” emphasizes example and punishment in education.
Example is the most effective training method. Do you want a carpenter to lecture to you on how to build a doorway, or do you prefer to watch him carefully as he does it?
The Lord places great emphasis on teaching by example. God sent His Son to live on this earth as a man, and the life of the Son of man is the perfect example for us to follow (Luke 6:40; 1 Peter 2:21-22). The apostle Paul repeatedly admonishes Christians to follow his life as a pattern of conduct (1 Corinthians 4:16; 11:1; Philippians 3:17; 4:9; 2 Thessalonians 3:7,9). The book of Acts contains the record of first century conversions as a pattern to be followed for all time.
No influence dads can have on their children is more important than their example of life. If Dad is a drunk, the odds are great his children will be slaves to alcohol. If Dad beats Mom, his sons will almost assuredly so sinfully treat their wives, and his daughters will probably marry such brutes. If Dad uses foul language, so will his children. If Dad is dedicated to the Lord, his children most likely will be as well.
Fathers can delegate some responsibilities. Mothers can help in chastening. But no one can substitute for daddies in providing examples of godly living for their children.
A generation ago I saw a powerful picture in the newspaper. In Northern Ireland, a land filled with violence and sectarian hatred, a man walked along taking bold strides. Behind him a little guy about waist high stretched out his short legs as far as he could to match the strides of the man in front – his daddy. He was trying with all his might to be just like Daddy. In that land where many young men sought to kill those whom they hated, what would the next generation be like? The picture says it much better. Dads, how are you walking before your children?
The examples daddies set for their children are powerful pictures that have enormous impact in the lives of little ones. To tykes, their own daddies are the greatest heroes. Nobody, not even superman, is as strong as Daddy. No one, not even Solomon, is as wise. To little boys, Daddy is their model to be imitated. To little girls, Daddy is their image of what a man is and the kind of husband they should expect.
I am now 78 years old and have been preaching 58 years. But, when I critically analyze my life, I find that many of my habits of thought, speech, and conduct are reflections of what I saw in Dad the first eighteen years of my life. My dad has been dead for 37 years, but even now, when I make critical decisions, a major factor is, what would Dad have done?
David was a man after God’s own heart (Acts 13:22; cf. 1 Samuel 13:14). But David committed the sins of adultery and murder (2 Samuel chapter 11). Absalom, David’s son, undoubtedly knew of his father’s sins. As a grown man, Absalom rebelled against his father, seeking to kill David (2 Samuel 16:11; 17:1-4) and take the kingdom for himself (2 Samuel 15:10-12). As an act to insure that no reconciliation with David was possible and thus to unite Israel behind him in rebellion, Absalom committed adultery with ten of David’s concubines on the roof of David’s house in the sight of all Israel (2 Samuel 16:22). David’s sin that he had sought to hide came back to haunt him as his own son publicly committed adultery with David’s own concubines. David’s army defeated Absalom’s and killed Absalom. David’s heart broken lament on receiving news of his son’s death should deeply impress all fathers of the danger of leading our children astray by setting bad examples before them.
Then the king was deeply moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept. And as he went, he said thus: ‘O my son Absalom–my son, my son Absalom–if only I had died in your place! O Absalom my son, my son!’ (2 Samuel 18:33)
Where could one find more pitifully sorrowful words? David’s own bad example reflected in the ife of his son brought inestimable grief.
Daddies, what do your children see in your lives? Do they hear you pray and sing praises to God, or do they hear you take the Lord’s name in vain or tell crude jokes about vulgar subjects? (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; James 5:13; Ephesians 4:31; 5:3-4) When little children come to school cursing and using filthy, four letter words, where do you think they learned to talk that way? When they tell crude jokes, where do you think they heard them?
Daddies, do we set an example of hard work and responsible spending for our children or of laziness and wasteful spending for frivolities? (Ephesians 4:28; Colossians 3:23-24; 2 Thessalonians 3:10; 1 Timothy 5:8) How responsible will they be?
Do they see us put the Lord first in our lives? (Matthew 6:33) If we can’t make it to church or Bible class because of minor problems that don’t keep us from going to work or school, what are we teaching them?
Do we teach them to be thankful to the Lord for His many blessings? (1 Thessalonians 5:18) If we don’t even pause before meals to thank Him for our food, what are we teaching them? (1 Timothy 4:1-5) If we are always griping and complaining about work, about the brethren, and about life in general, what are we teaching them? (Philippians 2:14-16)
Do we regularly study the Bible with them at home? (Psalm 119:97) What are we teaching them?
How do they see us treat others? (Matthew 5:43-48; 7:12; Romans 12:17-21) What are we teaching them?
Above all else, do our children see a dad who is a dedicated Christian, obedient to the Lord, following the example of Jesus in daily life? (Galatians 2:20; Matthew 28:19-20; Luke 6:40) What are we teaching them?
Many years ago a friend of mine related this true story to me about himself. He was a hardworking construction contractor in a small town trying to feed a wife and four children. The local preacher asked him why he wasn’t a Christian. He replied he was too busy trying to provide for his children. The preacher answered, “What do your children need more than a daddy who is a Christian?” He was baptized immediately and, last I heard, is still faithful to the Lord.
Dads, what kind of example do you set for your children? If they follow your example, which they probably will, will it lead them to heaven or hell?
Restraint from Wrong
My dad had a way with words. He could say something in such a way, I could never forget it. He had such a bass voice that, when he got stern, it sounded like a bear growling. If Sonny, my older brother, and I made a foolish request, he would growl, “If you boys get as big as the State of Texas, as long as you’re under my roof, you won’t do that!” Neither of us ever got very big, but we knew not to challenge or ignore his decision or try to dissuade him by begging. He meant what he said, and he enforced it quite painfully. When I was young, I sometimes hated him. Now I thank my Father in heaven for having been trained by such a dad.
Besides setting the proper example of life, dads must restrain their children from wrong. Eli was the high priest and judge of Israel, and there is no reason to doubt he was a godly man. But he raised wicked sons. “Now the sons of Eli were corrupt; they did not know the LORD” (1 Samuel 12:12).
They ministered as priests also. But when Israelites came to sacrifice to the Lord, they would forcibly take the raw meat from the worshipers to roast before the fat had been burned to the Lord (verses 12-16). “Therefore the sin of the young men was very great before the LORD, for men abhorred the offering of the LORD” (verse 17). What despicable men, who cared so little for holy things and were so selfish they caused God’s people to despise the worship of the Lord!
But this wasn’t the extent of their sin. “They lay with the women who assembled at the door of the tabernacle of meeting” (verse 22). Eli, though very old, heard of their sin and rebuked them severely, but they refused to listen (verses 22-25).
Then a man of God came to Eli (verses 27-36) and accused him of “kicking at” (as an ox kicking against the control of its master) the sacrifice of the Lord and honoring his sons above the Lord. The man of God prophesied that none of Eli’s male descendants would live to old age, that his wicked sons Hophni and Phinehas would both die in one day, and that his descendants would beg for a priestly position. But, why? Hadn’t Eli rebuked his sons? Weren’t they grown men, responsible for their own actions?
The boy Samuel lived with Eli and ministered in the tabernacle. The Lord spoke to him while he lay on his bed at night and warned that He was going to bring to fulfillment the dire prophecy (1 Samuel 3:11-14). And He revealed to Samuel the reason. “For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and he did not restrain them” (verse 13). Eli as high priest had the power to restrain his sons from their wickedness, but, though he rebuked them, he did not stop them from their sins.
Yes, fathers must set the right example before their children and rebuke them when they do wrong. Eli did these. But that’s not enough. While we have it within our power to do so, dads must keep their children from doing wrong.
Israel went into battle against the Philistines (1 Samuel chapter 4). The first day Israel was defeated. They called for the ark of the covenant to be brought into the camp, superstitiously believing its presence would bring victory. Hophni and Phinehas, Eli’s wicked sons, brought the ark. But the Philistines slaughtered Israel, killing Hophni and Phinehas and capturing the ark. A messenger ran from the battle to Eli, who was ninety-eight years old, blind, and heavy. When the messenger informed Eli of the capture of the ark, “Eli fell off the seat backward by the side of the gate; and his neck was broken and he died.” Phinehas’ pregnant wife went into labor, delivered a son, but died giving birth. As she was dying she named her son “Ichabod,” literally meaning “no glory.” “And she said, ‘The glory has departed from Israel, for the ark of God has been captured.’”
Eli paid a very heavy price. There is no reason to doubt he was a good example of godly living before his sons. He rebuked their sins. But he did not restrain them. What a tragedy.
While your children are young and moldable, restrain them. While you have it within your power, keep them from disobedience. Don’t count to ten. That gives them ten opportunities to disobey without punishment. Does a military commander count to ten before he enforces an order? Such foolishness would cause death and defeat in battle. If your child is running into busy traffic and you shout, “Stop!”, do you want to have to count to ten before he does so?
Do not allow the child to whine, pout, frown, beg, or even roll his eyes when you restrain him. You are allowing him to show defiance. Require instant, submissive obedience.
If we do not restrain our children at home, when will they learn they must obey? In school? Not likely. Before a civil court when they’re arrested for crime? How tragic. But most certainly, they will learn one day. When they stand before the judgment bar of Christ.
Punishment for Wrongdoing
The writer of Hebrews compares our training by God to the training a good father gives his son (Hebrews 12:5-11). The word translated “training” in Ephesians 6:4 is found in various forms eight times in this passage. This scripture, though primarily teaching how God trains us, teaches several important truths about training children, since it uses the training a loving father gives his son as an example of how God treats His children.
Training includes both rebuking (verse 5) and scourging (verse 6). When children do wrong, we should rebuke them for the wrong and then punish them to enforce the rebuke. Thus, chastening (punishing) children for misbehavior is not an act of vengeance but an important part of their training (education).
This training is proof the father loves his child (verse 6). In fact, a father who fails to punish his child is treating the child as though it is not a legitimate member of his family (verse 7-8).
Proper chastening is good for children. As the result of this kind of training, children will respect their fathers (verse 9). Chastening is unpleasant at the time it is administered but later produces peace and righteousness (verse 11).
These facts demonstrate that principles found in the book of Proverbs, though a part of the Old Testament, are still true.
“He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly” (Proverbs 13:24).
Don’t say you love your child too much to spank him. Biblical love is doing good to others (1 John 3:16-18). When you fail to correct a misbehaving child, you are showing hate rather than love to the child. God disciplines us because He loves us, and fathers do the same to their children (Proverbs 3:12). Since you are acting through love and for the welfare of the child, you will not abuse (injure) him. Discipline him while he is young enough that it will affect his character and quickly enough after the misbehavior that he understands the point.
“Chasten your son while there is hope, And do not set your heart on his destruction” (Proverbs 19:18).
If you wait too long to start disciplining your child, it may be too late. His character may be set as selfish and undisciplined. The longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes.
King David had a handsome son named Adonijah whom David never corrected (1 Kings 1:5-6). Though Solomon was selected by David to be his successor and was crowned king, Adonijah plotted to get the throne (1 Kings 1:7-53; 2:13-22). It got him killed (1 Kings 2:23-25). His failure to learn self-restraint by being corrected by his father caused his destruction.
“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him” (Proverbs 22:15).
If you want your child to quit his foolish behavior, punish him when he acts foolishly.
“Do not withhold correction from a child, For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, And deliver his soul from hell” (Proverbs 23:13-14).
The “rod” stands for punishment. Since you are punishing him through love for his benefit, you will not injure him, though he may think otherwise. But you will save his soul from hell!
“Correct your son, and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul” (Proverbs 29:17).
Do your children drive you half insane and give you no rest? Do not allow them to continue to challenge your authority. If your punishment is not strong enough, soon enough, and consistent enough to change both their behavior and attitude, you have accomplished nothing. You can make them delights to your soul and save their souls by chastening them.
Admonition
If your children are in school, they spend about six hours a day, five days a week in class. Most of this time they study secular, academic subjects. Additionally, they probably have homework most afternoons. This is well and good, for it should equip them to earn a living and to be good citizens. Some courses even help equip them to more effectively serve the Lord.
But the subject they need most to learn is the Word of God. A knowledge of the Scriptures will guide them to salvation (James 1:21) and make them “complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17). Whose responsibility is it to see that children learn the will of God? “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
“Admonition” means literally “a putting in mind” and “is ‘the training by word’, whether of encouragement, or, if necessary, by reproof or remonstrance” (Vine. 1:30). We dads are specifically commanded to bring up our children in the “admonition of the Lord.” It is our obligation to see that they receive the “training by word” they need to learn their duties in life as taught in the Bible.
If our children are ignorant of the Scriptures, we fathers can’t blame it on the Bible class teachers, the preachers, or the church. It’s our own responsibility to see they are taught the Word of God. Certainly it will help them to be in every Bible class and worship assembly. But if they come to all the Bible classes and worship services available each week, they’ll still only have about three hours a week of biblical instruction. We need to see that they study for Bible classes at home and provide them the help they need, even as we do for their school homework.
Furthermore, we as dads need to instruct them at home ourselves. Moses commanded Israel:
And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).
Israelite children were born into covenant relationship with God. Our children have to be taught before they become God’s covenant children (John 6:44-45; Hebrews 8:6-13). How much greater is our responsibility to teach our children the Bible!
A wonderful practice that most American Christians have gotten away from is to have a family devotional (worship and study period) for fifteen minutes to half an hour at a set time each day. All the families I stayed with in Nigeria got up very early in the morning every day and spent about half an hour together in Bible study and prayer with the father leading. What a wonderful way to start or end the day! What a great way for families to be together and grow closer to the Lord.
Material Responsibilities
“But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8). Obviously, since wives are given the responsibility to manage the home (1 Timothy 5:14), dads have the primary responsibility of earning a living.
What needs should we provide for our children? “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men” (Luke 2:52). Though Jesus was the Son of God, He was also a man. He was once a child, and he grew in the same way all children grow: “in wisdom” (intellectual growth), “stature” (physical growth), “favor with God” (spiritual growth), “and men” (social growth). Since fathers must provide for our own, we must see that our children receive the secular education they need to be productive in life, the food, shelter, clothing, and medical attention they need for healthy physical growth, the spiritual training they must have to grow in favor with God, and the social training they require to function well with people.
Conclusion
Isn’t it amazing that, whereas godly mothers spend many hours studying how to raise children, many dads who are Christians seem to pay little attention to their children and to think that earning a living takes care of their family responsibilities? What a terrible mistake!
Manoah and his wife were childless. The Angel of the Lord appeared to her and promised her a child. When she told her husband, he prayed, “O my Lord, please let the Man of God whom You sent come to us again and teach us what we shall do for the child who will be born” (Judges 13:8). The Lord heard Manoah’s prayer, and the Angel returned. Manoah asked Him, “What will be the boy’s rule of life, and his work?” (Judges 13:12) The child was Samson, who began to deliver Israel from the Phillistines.
The Lord has given us in His Word the basic information we need to train our children to serve Him. But the principles are broad, and the problems we face are myriad and complex. Dads, study your Bibles both with your children and by yourself to equip yourself to train them. Settle it in your hearts to follow the divine directions rather than human philosophy or your own opinions or desires. Then pray earnestly and regularly for the wisdom you need to apply the divine instructions to the daily task of raising your children (James 1:5).
Fathers, you’ll probably never have a graver responsibility more fraught with spiritual peril and potential than bringing up your children. Let’s get serious about this.
List of Works Cited
The Bible, New American Standard Bible.
The Bible, New International Version.
The Bible, New King James Version.
Louw, Johannes P. & Eugene A. Nida, eds. Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament Based on Semantic Domains.
Thayer, J.H., A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament.
Trench, R.C., Synonyms of the New Testament.
Vine, W.E., An Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words.
Webster’s Third New International Dictionary, unabridged.
