Years ago I had a close friend who was a deacon in the congregation where I preached. He contracted to erect a new building for the congregation. One of the elders consistently and unreasonably complained at every step of the construction. This was a real sin that should have been corrected. But instead of trying to get the elder to repent, my friend sullenly built up resentment and anger and eventually fell away from the Lord. He allowed a sin against him to cause him to sin against the Lord. Thankfully, he later corrected his mistake and returned to the Lord.

As in all other areas of life, Jesus is our perfect example of how to handle wrongs that others commit against us (1 Peter 2:21-24). What should our attitude be toward those who do wrong to us?

Should we hold a grudge?

My friend’s mistake was to hold a grudge toward the one who mistreated him rather than to seek the sinner’s repentance. A “grudge” is “a feeling of deep-seated resentment or ill will.” (Webster. 1:1005)

The apostle Paul exhorts us:

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)

It should be obvious that there is no place for holding a grudge in the life of a Christian.

Should we seek personal vengeance?

“Vengeance” is “punishment ... to avenge an injured person ... to inflict punishment on.” (Thayer. 194) One of my sons as a young teenager habitually played the tough guy by asserting, “I don’t get mad; I get even.” Thankfully, he’s outgrown such foolishness.

“When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23, NIV). Jesus did not seek to trade insult for insult, injury for injury. In perfect example for us, He left vengeance to God. We as He should do good in return for evil, eliminate our enemies by turning them into friends, and change children of Satan into children of God (Romans 12:17-21). “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (verse 21)

Should we forgive them?

Biblical “forgiveness” is “primarily, to send forth, send away ..., to remit....” It means the debt of sin is “completely canceled...” (Vine. 2:122). When God forgives, it’s as if the wrong had never been done.

“As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12)

The Lord’s forgiveness is the model for ours (Matthew 6:12). If we truly forgive those who sin against us, the transgression is completely put out of our minds so far as holding it against the one who wronged us (Hebrews 8:12). The broken fellowship is restored (Revelation 3:19-20).

After the Master had taught the disciples what to do to restore an offending brother, Peter inquired, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21) Peter doubtless thought he was being exceedingly generous. The Lord replied, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” (verse 22) So, should we keep count until our brother has wronged us 490 times, then refuse to forgive after that? Have you sinned against God 490 times? Do you expect Him to forgive you the 491st time? There is no limit to the number of times we should forgive one who sins against us and repents.

Jesus related a parable to enforce the point (Matthew 18:23-35). The servant of a king owed his master 10,000 talents. This was the equivalent of several million dollars! What a debt! It could never be paid! When the king threatened to sell the servant and his family into slavery, the servant desperately begged time to pay. The king went even further than the request. In pity he forgave the entire, huge debt. What a loving, kind, merciful master. Of course, the king represents God.

As he left the king, the forgiven servant met a fellow servant who owed him 100 denarii, the equivalent of 100 days’ wages for a day laborer (Matthew 20:2,13). This was no paltry sum except in comparison to the debt the king had forgiven him. The forgiven servant violently demanded repayment from his fellow servant, and, when the fellow servant begged for time to pay, he refused and had him thrown into prison.

When the king learned of this, he sternly rebuked the unforgiving servant for his lack of compassion and turned him over to torturers until he paid all his debt. “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.” (Matthew 18:32)

The injury a brother has done to me might be serious, but it is slight indeed compared to the sins I have committed against God. If I won’t forgive my brother, God won’t forgive me (Matthew 6:14-15).

Conditions of Forgiveness

C.A. Cornelius, a preacher of the generation of my grandparents, told of a congregation in Oklahoma that divided between “forgivers” and “unforgivers.” They disagreed on the conditions a brother who has injured us must meet before we are to forgive him. God’s merciful forgiveness of our transgressions is the pattern we must follow in forgiving those who hurt us (Matthew 6:12).

While on earth Jesus sought on behalf of the Father to persuade men to repent (Luke 19:10; Mark 1:14-15). The Father doesn’t wait sullenly for us to come to Him. He actively seeks sinners to come to Him.

Then He said to them, ‘Thus it is written, and thus it was necessary for the Christ to suffer and to rise from the dead the third day, ‘and that repentance and remission of sins should be preached in His name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem’ (Luke 24:46-47).

Likewise, we should not sullenly, proudly, childishly wait with hurt feelings for a friend or brother who has wronged us to come begging for forgiveness. We should use all the means God has given us to persuade him to repent (Matthew 18:15-17). Our purposes are both to regain the brother (Matthew 18:15) and to save his soul (James 5:19-20). But if we have done wrong to another, we cannot worship God acceptably until we have sincerely sought him to forgive us (Matthew 5:23-24). Before the offending brother can be restored to our fellowship, he must repent (Luke 17:3-4).

This does not mean we should hold a grudge or seek to harm one who refuses to repent. We must love our enemies (Matthew 5:43-48). But if we treat a brother who has sinned against us as if nothing happened, he may never be convicted of his sin and repent.

But I just can't forgive him!

More than once I’ve heard someone complain, “But I just can’t forgive him! You just don’t understand how much he hurt me!” Is that so?

Did he throw you into a pit, sell you into slavery, and separate you from your family for eighteen years? That’s what Joseph’s brothers did to him (Genesis chapter 37), and he forgave them (Genesis 50:14-21).

Did he insistently, unreasonably demand your death, though you were innocent? Did he demand that a murderer and insurrectionist be released rather than you? Did he beat you so brutally that it almost killed you? Did he push a crown of thorns down on your head, strip you, put ridiculous clothes on you, mock you, hit you, and spit in your face, make you carry your own instrument of death until you collapsed under its weight, give you vinegar and gall to drink, nail you to a cross, gamble to see who would get your clothing, and ridicule you as you were dying? (Mark 15:6-15; Matthew 27:27-44) Yes, that’s what they did to Jesus. And how did He respond? Did he curse them? Did he cry out, “I’ll get even with you if it’s the last thing I ever do!”? No, “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” He simply prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

Why can’t you forgive him? Forgiveness takes “compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” (Colossians 3:12, NIV). Holding a grudge and getting even takes cruelty, hard heartedness, pride, harshness and impatience. Now which set of characteristics describes Jesus? Which should describe us? Selfish pride is the reason some people never forgive. The sullen anger and hatred stored inside destroys love and causes them to stumble blindly in spiritual darkness, die spiritually, and hate God (1 John 2:9-11; 3:14-15; 4:20).

Conclusion

Has someone done you a grievous wrong? Will you not follow Jesus? Will you not pray, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do”? “If anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”

List of Works Cited

New International Version of the Bible
Thayer, J.H., A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament
Vine, W.E., An Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words.
Webster's Third New International Dictionary, unabridged.